I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
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The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
wtf is an acronym
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu