Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
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Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
I think about this a lot
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom