We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
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Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week