Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
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Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.