Dude just wanted a popsicle…
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*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry