If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
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My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick