[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
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HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
Huge, if true.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’