Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
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sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
Boy never ceases to amaze me
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.