When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
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*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
These work great until they don’t.
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.