*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
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you telling me a banana nut in this bread
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
Noah was an idiot.
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
oh you like architecture? name three walls
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
Whoa 😂
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?