“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
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Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
this isn’t threatening at all
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.