this isn’t threatening at all
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I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.