*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
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Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
Raisins are grape jerky.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.