I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back

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I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.


What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?

Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!


The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.


Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.


The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.

The system crashes on its own.

The human race is saved by shitty programming.


I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.


Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.


Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around

Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*