Candid photo of me, eating chips.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
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I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT