Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
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When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
S O O N
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.