THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
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looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”