Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
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when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
…u ok Nintendo?
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website