*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
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My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.