I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
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I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
This is why I hate group projects
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.