My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
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Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?