My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
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Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine