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That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
Simple enough.
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
Just a bush.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number