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Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
my professor scared me for a second
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.