Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
You Might Also Like
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
Sing it!
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one