The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
You Might Also Like
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
Thank you corporation very cool
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
Duck typos.