Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
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I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
nyc:
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
the prophecies have been fulfilled
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”