Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
You Might Also Like
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.