Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
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Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
A woman drives into a bar.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.