*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
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This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined