Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
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me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.