Tammy is short for Tamuel
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Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
Expect the unexporcupine.
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.