Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
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me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?