when u get so high u forget u ordered food
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I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?