How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
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Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
no one likes gloating
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
💯😂
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon