The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
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March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
reminder
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses