Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
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My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.