writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
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*3.5 thank you very much.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn鈥檛 say things like that?
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
I mean I鈥檓 over it but I鈥檓 definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
he chose this
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I鈥檓 eating chips and watching TV and I鈥檓 not annoyed anymore.
We can鈥檛 do civil war yet. I don鈥檛 have the right outfit.
Son: How will I know when I鈥檝e met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn鈥檛 have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Mornin. * use accordingly
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 馃槀
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn鈥檛 even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.