blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
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wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
the noise i just made
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
Not😆🤣
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.