I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
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Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
I might carry a baby with one hand.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Plant care tips
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.