I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
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I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
President The Rock Obama
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
True.
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
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Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”