ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
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[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
#SCOTUS one-star review
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that