Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ffs laughed out loud 😂

EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.

BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]

BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN

*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*

BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now

I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed

She puts the hot in psychotic

What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?

A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes

Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?

8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!

I could not be more annoyed

*checks Twitter*

Ok, I’m more annoyed

Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people

If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.

Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work

WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies

Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching

How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.

Bout to have the best sleep of my life

*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!

Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest

Nobody:

Me: An investigator

One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…

Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.

oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory

My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new

Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.

I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.

I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug

I punched my monitor

Now my hand Hz.

[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.

[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*

Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.

Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.

Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.