No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
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We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
My garden backs on to railways. About 10 years ago the fences were falling down, complained to network rail who did nothing. In the end, the whole bit of our street got together and put up new fence ourselves. 30 feet back into their land. They’ve never noticed.
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
Air pods looking like an angry frog
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
i spent way too long on this
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv