No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
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I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Whoa 😂
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
*offers Batman cough drops*
same energy
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?