He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
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take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.