Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
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[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Current mood: Potato
Bed should get ready for ME
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
Perfect
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”