KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
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10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”