GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
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[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.