stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
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me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this