stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
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INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.