stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
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Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
The glory of fall.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
I saw nothing
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.