Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
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i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.