Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.

Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.

An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!

I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.

[Office meeting]

*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen up

Boss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall

iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep

*next morning*

iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off

If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents

You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?

A nap.

(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)

(Or naps.)

I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.

I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.

And to their wives. And their local fire departments.

My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.

She’s eleven.

I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.

“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.

Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.

When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.

How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong

Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.

I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.

I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.

FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town

ME: No problem

FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?

ME: No they’re all wood

Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”

ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..

Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.

Don’t make this weird…

My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today

I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.

The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.

Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”

Me: “I would wait.”

The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.

Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?

Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–

Adults: ITS THE PHONES

Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.

Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*