You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
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A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
why isn’t thunder called soundning
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5