You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
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Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
Shows used to take a quick break for the summer and be back with 22 more episodes but I’m not even kidding when I say I’ve had an entire pregnancy, birthed a child, she has learned to walk and talk in the time it has taken for Severence to not even come out with a season 2 yet
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
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If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street