Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
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I know
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…